Meanwhile
by Question the Majority
Summary: A hopefully clever and characteristic spoof of songfics, the concept of Dib & Tak romance, and Paradoxal Reality's 'Tracking Tak' in particular. [Spoiler: Don't expect Tak to like Dib very much!]
1. Dib

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the rights to Invader Zim, nor either of the two songs used in this story. Also, on another note, in conjunction with the character being mentioned, I've always thought of the "four legs" mentioned in the song as referring to the spider legs in the Irkens' ID paks. –Matt

**More Frivolous Yammering: **If this chapter doesn't seem funny, it's because it isn't. This is the serious chapter. The funny one is Chapter 2, but the joke didn't exactly work without this one coming before it.  
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**Meanwhile...**  
by Matt Garner

**Chapter 1  
Dib**

Looking up into the countless stars of the night sky, Dib took a deep breath and then closed his eyes for a moment. Opening his eyes again and now looking down from the rooftop toward his little sister, the boy said with something in his voice more than the usual revered awe toward God's creation, "Look at it, Gaz... We've only seen what's come to us from up there... Don't you just want to fly up there and see it all?"

The little girl paused her current game of "Head-Pokey-Mon" long enough to look up at her eccentric brother. She merely grunted and shrugged her shoulders in a non-committal way, then headed back inside. Secretly, she knew that there was something more on Dib's mind tonight than the usual "I'm gonna' get Zim!" or "I'm gonna' fly to Mars!" style of rant, but Gaz wasn't particularly in the mood to talk to her brother about it. Not tonight, at least.

Dib sighed, shook his head and looked back up into the stars. Gaz was right. There_ was_ something... Rather, _someone_ else on his mind tonight.

I'm sick of being alone,  
When are you coming home?  
Just a glimpse of your face...

Closing his eyes again, the young hero reflected on what it was he really wanted to find out there... Tak. Invader Tak. Well... no, she wasn't really an Invader, but she might as well have been. She was still one of those cruel, evil Irkens and she had even gone so far as to use him in her plans to destroy the Earth! The courageous monster hunter inside him kept telling him he should have been angry at Tak... Should have wanted to destroy her just as he wished to do to Zim. But something else inside of him, perhaps the lonely, sad little boy inside, couldn't bear it.

I can remember smelling your hair.  
I'll meet you anywhere,  
Somewhere that no one can retrace...

Somewhere where no one will know our faces...

Shivering from more than the cold night air, Dib wrapped his thin arms around himself while wishing it was Tak hugging him.

She has two arms to hold me  
And four legs to wrap around me.  
She's not your typical girlfriend,  
She's my alien...

_So what if she's Irken?_ he reasoned, _She's not like Zim!_

_How can you say that?_ demanded the more serious side of himself, _She's exactly like Zim! Her only driving thought was to please her leaders! She didn't care about you at all!_

Dib choked back a whimper. _But... but she DID care! She actually listened to me and stood up for me... She didn't make fun of me like everyone else does... She said we were friends..._

She knows when something is wrong,  
When something doesn't belong.  
She can read in my mind...

_She was LYING, you twit! The only reason you ever believed her was that stupid mind-control device on her head! That and your own desire to find a friend..._

Dib shook his head. _That's not true... She still respected me. I could tell. When I found out she was an alien, she still treated me like an equal..._

The serious side snorted loudly.

_Oh, please..._

_Well... Moreso than Zim, at least..._

_Okay, okay. I'll give you that... But she was still using you, Dib. You have to realize that..._

_No... _Biting his lip, Dib tried to fight the lonely tears welling up in his eyes, _She was my friend..._

And she can be assured that with me,  
There is no conspiracy.  
She's not wasting her time...

_I miss her so much... Why did this have to happen?_

_... I can't answer that--_

She can take me to the place that she calls home  
In a spaceship that will some day be my own.

Please take me to your leader...  
Tell her I will surrender...

_--I mean... you ARE just sorta' talking to yourself, here..._

_Yeah..._

After a deep sigh that made him shiver violently, Dib re-opened his stinging eyes and looked once more into the night sky.

She has two arms to hold me  
And four legs to wrap around me.  
She's not your typical girlfriend,  
She's my alien...

"I miss you, Tak..." he whispered in a small, scared voice, "Whether you're my enemy or not, I miss you. I really wish you'd come back..."

He choked and pulled his knees up to his chest. Didn't he just HAVE to be the only person on Earth whose first love also happened to be a psychotic alien invader who might never be heard from again? Of all the rotten luck...

Suddenly, an odd whistling noise that could only be made by a falling object in a cartoon shook Dib out of his self-pity.

"What the heck!?" he gasped, just in time to witness the rare spectacle of a large object plummeting from space and crashing into his backyard.

Taking off his glasses, rubbing his red eyes, and then returning his glasses once more, Dib leaned over the edge of the rooftop. Glancing down curiously, he snuffled and rubbed at his nose, then dropped his jaw in amazement as the smoke cleared, revealing none other than Tak's own evacuated ship. A bright, hopeful smile slowly spread across his pale face...

I bought the astronauts' cave,  
Now all I need's a rocket.  
My love, intergalactic friend...  
You're my alien...

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**The Last Word:** This is my first (and probably last) songfic if you don't count the wacky montage scene in "Bestest Friend II." (Which I don't.) I'm not really all that crazy about them, but this song just BEGGED to be turned into a Tak story. I hope I didn't do too awful of a job!


	2. Tak

EEP! I forgot to give a big "A-thenk-a-yew!" to Paradoxal Reality, who gave me permission to do this little satire of her EXCELLENT story, _Tracking Tak._ You need to read it. Read _Pudding,_ too. Hehe. Good times. --Matt  
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**Meanwhile...**  
by Matt Garner

**Chapter 2  
Tak**

Her escape pod wandering lazily somewhere in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy, Tak grumbled to herself as she worked to repair her currently malfunctioning SIR unit.

"There. That should be about right, I think. Can you hear me, Mimi?"

The little robot saluted respectfully.

"Good. I was a tad worried that perhaps you might be beyond repair..." She raised a non-existant eyebrow as Mimi looked around vacantly as though she had never seen the ship before.

"MIMI!"

The android saluted once again and stared intently at her master.

"That's better. Now, would you be so kind as to initiate your log program?" A dark, threatening look marked her face. "I believe I should make a record of my NEW mission..."

Despite her confusion at this second statement, Mimi obediently opened her data log - IrkWord 6.0 - and saluted once more. "Data log initiated, sir!" After a quick burst of static and a shake of her small head, she corrected herself, "Ma'am!"

Right eye twitching slightly, Tak breathed "Good. Now... Data log entry number IZ-118-2002: ..." She cleared her throat and continued, "My plan to transform that forsaken hunk of rubble known as Earth into a snack containment unit for the Tallest was a disaster."

She growled as a snarl curled her lips.

Shaking her claws in typical Irken fashion, she said, "What SHOULD have been a flawless plan was RUINED by none other than that STUPID, IDIOTIC, WORTHLESS Invader ZIM!" She began pacing around in circles, her right eye twitching again. Mimi watched her trail back and forth. "But it wasn't just him..." a mocking cackle barked out from her hoarse throat, "Oh no... Zim's too stupid to have done it all on his own... He was helped, of all people, by a HUMAN..." She stopped pacing and gritted her teeth, "A human named... DIB..."

Without a word of warning, Tak shrieked and whirled around, punching the walls of her pod wildly. "A FILTHY, INFERIOR, IRRITATINGLY BRILLIANT, HUGE-HEADED HUMAN BRAT NAMED DIB! Imagine! ME! TAK! Thwarted by a human child!"

Tak nursed her bloodied knuckles, breathing erratically.

"Yes, a stupid CHILD..." A vein ticked sickeningly in her forehead, "I hereby assign myself a new mission before destroying Earth..." Mimi tilted her head with interest. "And that is to PERSONALLY see to it that Dib suffers the most HORRIBLE, EXCRUCIATING death IMAGINABLE!"

Another infuriated shriek and she flew into a new rant. "ARRRRRRGH! THAT SMUG, STUPID, ARROGANT, OBNOXIOUS LITTLE BEAST! oOOoOOHhh... Enjoy the rest of your SHORT life while you CAN, Dib! Because soon I'm going to return and rip that disgustingly overlarge head off of your weak little shoulders!"

So involved in her psychotic rampage was Tak, that she failed to realize she was now strangling her SIR unit. Mimi raised her hand questioningly and squeaked, "But I thought you liked Dib?"

"I was LYING, Mimi! How could you have forgotten that? I was just using that little PEST as a means of finding out more information!" She dropped Mimi with a clunk and stared out of the pod's window. "How could I have known that little inferior creature would prove to be the cause of my downfall? Rrrrrgh..." She narrowed her eyes viciously, "Mark my WORDS, Dib... One way or another, I WILL destroy you..."

One way, or another,  
I'm gonna' find ya...  
I'm gonna' getcha, getcha, get--

"MIMI! TURN OFF THAT BLASTED RADIO!"

The music ceased instantly.

"Now where was I? Oh yes... GRARRRRRRRRGH! STUPID DIB! I swear by the Tallest... I will have my REVENGE!"

With that, she brought both fists down hard upon the pod's control console, then blinked in surprise as a large screen began flashing: "Warning! Warning! Self-Destruct Sequence Initiated!"

Tak's antennae drooped.

"Oh bugger..."

**AN END!**


End file.
